Love Will Tear Us Apart – Find Yourself Again

I shouldn’t have called
‘Cause we shouldn’t speak
You do make me hard
But she makes me weak – Matthew Healy

It has been 485 days since I last wrote on this blog, a lot can happen in 485 days, during this time I have been to 8 gigs, I have bought a new car, I have lost a job and gained a new one, I have lost a significant family member and I have had my heart broken. I read back over these posts and I barely recognise who this woman is, she writes confidently and candidly about her experiences, she stands up for herself and most importantly she is confident and comfortable in who she is.

Somewhere along the way I lost this version of myself, the version that would happily call a guy out for sending unsolicited dick pics or a girl who would stand up for herself when she gets with a guy who conveniently mentions that he’s married after meeting for the third time. Along the course of this year, I have become a girl who has lost her sense of self-worth, I have become a woman who has allowed a man to walk all over because she felt as though she didn’t deserve more. I’ve become a woman who is ashamed of wanting attention, ashamed of wanting somebody to want her back, ashamed of her feelings and ashamed of being who she is.

If someone or something makes you feel this, naturally you would remove it, remove the toxicity from life. Friends will say it so easily, the words falling out of their mouths so effortlessly, ‘just stop talking to him, stop allowing him/her to make you feel this way, block them.’ But when you think you aren’t worth more than this, is it really that simple? I tell myself continually that this is it; this is the change I need to make, but old habits die hard.

I’m writing this blog post to remind myself that I can be better, I can do better and I certainly don’t need to feel ashamed for how I feel, act or choose. Perhaps if I treat myself with the respect I deserve then others will follow. I don’t want to be the old version of myself, but I don’t want to be this current version of myself, I want to learn to value my self-worth and treat myself with the kindness I expect from others. I’m writing this to remind myself of the girl who made light of these situations, who didn’t strive to change herself because a boy called her a brat, who loved herself because she didn’t need anyone else too.

I Wanna Be Adored – Lonely Tonight or Alone Tonight?

But I’ll come back to you, in a year or so
And rebuild, ready to become
The person you believed in, the person that you used to love
For I’m still here hoping that one day you may come back – Charlie Fink (The First Days of Spring) 

I recently had a rather eye opening discussion with a friend about the impact dating sites has had on our generation of dating, how it has shaped and changed the way we engage with people, how we meet or approach people and our new attitudes towards casual and serious relationships. On the surface dating sites are obviously very shallow, often used to combat boredom, being horny, or purely wanting attention, they’re something that aren’t often taken seriously and are now more of a punchline to a joke than a way to seriously meet the love of your life. On a deeper level, for some, they’re a way to alleviate loneliness and provide some sort of gratification if a stranger tells you that you have a cracking set of tits, but how much of this is a problem? How much have we come to rely on this rather than approaching somebody perhaps in a club or at a bar and meeting organically, no matter how many failures it gives us we either move onto the next app or convince ourselves that it’ll happen eventually, why do we do this?

My answer for this came down to loneliness, there is such a pressure to find someone coming from numerous directions and because of this we end up meeting people who might be our type on paper but in reality they have the personality of a wet piece of lettuce. These kinds of apps only allow you to ‘meet’ people based on three things; age, location and whether you think they’re attractive, it leaves very little room for personal interests, common likes and dislikes or whether you’d just get on as people. As a generation we are so greedy and impatient, we need causal sex or relationships now, if it doesn’t work then we need to move on to the next person straight away, for the majority of us we are wired to think that we need someone else in order to be complete or satisfied, in order to not feel lonely. The superficial nature of it all means that some of us have met, dated, slept with, spent time with people who perhaps we didn’t really have a connection with but we’re like well I want someone so I guess i’ll just go for you.

The other side of the coin is that we have this issue of confusing love with lust and sexual attraction, we crave attention, compliments, someone to talk to when we’re bored and then because we believe it’s what we’re supposed to feel we just go for it. We’re so conditioned to think that we have to be on the look out constantly because it won’t just happen like it used to, you’re not gonna meet the man of your dreams in Sainsburys and expect everything to come up peaches but if he sends me a wink emoji on Tinder then i’m all for it.

Maybe i’m bitter, maybe the fact that the majority of people i’ve met and spoken to on these sites have been either massive failures or mugged me off completely and i’m now jaded by the whole concept, but I do believe that our chronic need to avoid being alone or feeling lonely plays a huge part in why these dating apps are so crucial to our everyday way of living. Ironically I had this whole conversation with a man I met on Bumble so perhaps they are good for something.

‘In an age of disposable lovers, where calculated sexual pleasure has supplanted the unpredictability of love, where looking for love is like shopping and we demand from it what we have come to expect from our other purchases – novelty, variety, disposability.’ – Erich Fromm

As Tears Go By – A Letter to my Jealous Self

Can I reset my brain? If not I’ll go insane,
I swear to God that I don’t think I can go another day
Am I the only one? Is this in all of us?  – Turnover

Jealousy is complex, some people feel jealousy much stronger than others, some don’t feel it at all, it can stem from humiliation, abandonment, feeling threatened or simply someone having something you want. Perhaps my worst trait is my jealousy, it can make me say and do things that are out of character and at times I feel it consume me in a way that can only be described as damaging.

In day to day life I consider myself to be a person who doesn’t indulge in competition with others or find myself being particularly competitive, I don’t push myself to do or be better than others in most aspects of my life, yet when it comes to relationships or friendships I can feel the jealousy bleed into my thoughts and although it’s not something I always act on I still know it’s there.

My jealousy comes from being replaced, I fear that someone better, funnier or prettier will come along and just replace me, they’ll take my security and comfort of a person and use them for themselves, it’s a large part of my personality that I simply don’t like, I hate the feeling of competing with another person for someones affection or attention when in reality the only person i’m competing with is myself.

There are times however when I simply cannot help myself, how can I not be jealous when I think about him kissing somebody else the way he kissed me or whether when her hand is on his chest he’ll reach up and interlock his fingers with her like he did with me, a girl who replaced me, a girl who is obviously so much more than me.

It drives me into an awful mindset that takes control of who I am, it makes me sad and bitter and changes how I see myself. However i’ve come to the conclusion that even by recognising my flaws that it’s a step in the right direction, perhaps I can learn to concern myself less with others and focus more on me, learn to take control of the situation and not let my jealousy get the better of me.

Thank You For the Music – The Soundtrack of my Life

I let your love tease me
Now I am your love’s whore
Keeps me hardly breathing
But I could only love you more – Ellie Rowsell

This year, according to Spotify, I listened to approximately 32,693 minutes of music so far in 2017 which works out to be 22 and half days of music. My top songs include a mixture of artists and genres from Whitney Houston to The Wonder Years, from Drake to DJ Sammy, however buried within this year are songs that have vivid memories attached to them. I love hearing about people’s favourite songs and why those songs mean something to them, it says a lot about a person when they share the reason behind why they are particularly drawn to specific music. For me some songs didn’t make the cut in my top 100 songs yet they still hold such weight when looking back at 2017, like Childs Play by Drake which will forever remind me of the numerous road trips we took this year or There’s a Honey by Pale Waves which will always take me back to late night texts they left me smiling (and cringing) like an idiot. I wanted to recognise those songs that had shaped my year and ones that will continue to take me back to 2017, making me feel all fuzzy and nostalgic.

A Little Time – The Beautiful South 

You need a little room for your big head, don’t you, don’t you?

• The 15th of May of this year marked the day I finally handed in my dissertation and completed university, however the week leading up to this will be a week that I will never forget. I managed to write my ten thousand word dissertation in 6 days, during these six days me and my 2 gal pals who were in the same boat as me listened to nothing but Magic Radio, during our six day Magic Radio stint we found out about our friends love for The Beautiful South and it was one of the shining lights of the worst six days of my life. During this time I was also very poorly and the day before my dissertation was due in I ended up being taken to hospital after having a weird but amusing reaction to the antibiotics I was taking which left me saying that the TV scared me, I couldn’t feel my arms and everything had a border around it. After an odd trip to A & E I was left with 12 hours to complete the last 1200 words of my dissertation and I would like to thank The Beautiful South and particularly this song for getting me through it.

Diazepam – Turnover

‘Cause it was always a dream just to know you, sometimes I find I can hardly speak your name’ 

• Turnover are a band that have consistently been playing during key moments of my life in recent years, a band I adore so much with the song Diazepam being my favourite. This song reminds me of the moment I realised I wouldn’t be seeing a certain boy again. We were driving in my car, neither of us uttering a word until he broke the silence by asking me what was playing on the stereo and I simply replied ‘Diazepam – Turnover’. I could have blamed it on the hangover or the lack of sleep but the crushing realisation when he kissed me goodbye and then proceeded to leave my car was enough for the song playing to be ingrained in my memory. A few weeks later, after some drunk texts, another meeting and many sleepless nights he proceeded to break my heart again, and in true Carrie Bradshaw style I drove the short distance home from a friends at 2am listening to Diazepam whilst overthinking absolutely everything. During this extremely dramatic episode I stupidly ran a red light, which resulted in me crying in the back of a police car, mascara and eyeliner running down my face, slippers on my feet and explaining to a lovely police woman how I had got to this point.

Robbers – The 1975

‘She says, “Babe, you look so cool”‘

• Anybody who knows me will know that I have an endless love for The 1975, I listen to them an awful lot and I tend to go through phases with their songs, one day it will be Somebody Else on repeat and the next day it will be Antichrist, however this year Robbers has slowly but surely crept in to become my most played song of 2017. 2017 has been the year where I found a new love for Robbers, listening to it when I need to sleep, when i’ve been driving late at night, whilst getting ready for the day, when i’ve been sad, when i’ve been happy, the list goes on. It taught me that you should never attach music you love to people, because if they let you down or disappoint you then it can tarnish the very thing you found comfort in. There have been times throughout this year when Robbers has been difficult to listen too, but it has always been there to remind me that there is very little that your favourite song or album can’t make a little better.

Something About the Way You Look Tonight  – Elton John

‘There was a time I was everything and nothing all in one’

• This year saw the release of Elton John’s greatest hits and as someone who has always been a sucker for a guilty pleasure I couldn’t help but become a little bit obsessed with it. I grew up living with my Grandparents and through this I was lucky enough to be introduced to the likes of Elton John, Celine Dion, Tina Turner, Cher etc from a very young age. My Grandad especially loved to listen to music whilst he was getting ready to go out on a Saturday night, one of my earliest memories of my Grandad is hearing him bring his big bulky black stereo out onto our landing so he could listen to Elton John on full blast whilst in the bathroom. Sadly my Grandad passed away in 2016 and it left a huge hole in my life, 2017 marks the first whole year of my life without the man who I had lived with from the age of 5, without the man who had taught me to tie my shoelaces and without the man who hated me having posters on my bedroom wall. As soon as I hear songs such as Something About the Way You Look Tonight by Elton John I am immediately taken back to those Saturday nights where I can smell his aftershave and I can hear him picking a shirt to wear, but now it will also bring me back to the latter half of 2017 and the feeling of missing someone important.

 

 

Television Romance – Is This Me, Is This You?

I’ve been waiting for the phone to ring all night, why you wanna make me feel so good,
I got a love of my own, I shouldn’t get so hung up on you,
Oh I remember the way that we touch, I wish I didn’t like it so much – Whitney Houston

Every person has different versions of themselves, the majority of us have a filtered copy of ourselves that comes out depending on the social setting, it’s almost like we have multiple versions of ourselves for different occasions and especially for various people, for instance I act very differently around my friends to my family or around a boy a like. But is this just a method of people pleasing? Moulding ourselves to appeal to the person in the situation, whether that be to the boy you’re trying to impress or a group of friends that you’re not quite in with yet. It’s one of those things that many of us don’t even realise we are doing until it is pointed out by your best friend or in hindsight when you’re like why on earth did I pretend to like Slipknot for that boy?

I always notice it in myself when it comes to music, initially I don’t even realise I am doing it but slowly I subconsciously begin to exclusively listen to music that they are interested in even if I already like that type of music anyway. For instance I knew one boy that I liked wasn’t really into particularly mainstream music and this meant that when I told him I loved Cher more than life itself I believed he would think I was the most uncool girl in existence. But how much should I filter myself? Just because he thinks Cher and Whitney Houston is music for middle aged mums doesn’t mean he should like me any less and why should I alter my loves for another person?

My gal pals know me better than anyone and when i’m around someone that i’m trying to impress they immediately pick up on it for instance one of my housemates described me as making less jokes, being a lot more quiet and even being more still when sat on the sofa when a lad who I liked was there, three things that would never be used to describe me. I even held off on talking about drag queens, and anyone who knows me well enough will know that I find it hard to go a couple of sentences without mentioning Rupaul, but then this begs the question of why would I hold back on big parts of my life to fit into what I think is someone else’s preferences?

Don’t get me wrong, i’m very much aware this is a two way street and I know that there is another side of the coin, when a boy who was interested in me came to see me, he chose to avoid telling me that he smoked because he wasn’t sure on how I would take it, this was his version of filtering himself until he was comfortable enough to mention it resulting in us smoking cigars at 2am. I avoid telling him that Trixie Mattel is my biggest inspo and he avoids telling me that he likes a cigarette, when in reality neither of us should have had to have dampen ourselves down in order to appeal to other because if it works it works and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t and no amount of nicotine or drag queen would have changed that.

Yet this isn’t always a negative thing, one of my closest friends and I had a conversation about this the other day and we agreed that you always have those friends who you can have a serious conversation with and you also have friends who you can be silly with but perhaps what makes a best friend is someone that you can be all versions of yourself with and that’s the difference.

Having different or filtered versions of yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, however it depends how altered you are. I shouldn’t have to adjust myself to appeal to someone and the idea of someone changing themselves to appeal to me also makes me uncomfortable, yet if i’m still being me but just my slightly more PG version then that’s still me, but if i’m acting so differently that even my closest friends don’t even know who I am then that’s a problem and maybe in the future I should be clear from the outset that I listen to a lot of Cher and the occasional cig is not an issue.

The Night is an Ocean – An Open Letter to Myself

Just take it out on me
It’s easier than saying what you mean
Test me, see if I break – Romy Madley Croft and Oliver Sim

When I began writing this blog post the theme was honesty, I began writing and through this I realised that I haven’t been honest with myself for a long time and for months i’ve been rationalising things in a way to make them appear better than they are because that way it’s easier for me to deal with them. If I tell myself it isn’t over then I don’t have to deal with it right? If I pretend you aren’t that person then you won’t be, if I pretend we haven’t changed then you’re still you and i’m still me.

Some things hit you slowly, waves will come and take your breath away every now again but they never truly hit you. But at some point, a tsunami will rush over you and you will nearly drown in the realisation that this isn’t working and no matter how much you try and convince yourself it’s what you want and that it will happen, you won’t be able to stop the oncoming wave that things are falling apart.

I’ll tell you that it’s fine, I’ll tell you that I understand, I’ll tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong, but this isn’t honesty. None of this has been fine and if i’m being truthful I don’t understand these circumstances.

Being there for someone should never make you feel like a terrible person, it shouldn’t worry you or make you feel anything less than full, caring for somebody should never make you feel clingy or desperate because everybody needs somebody in their corner, whether they want it or not, and whether they realise it is up to them.

This blog post is to remind myself that i’m not a bad person, my actions, my thoughts and how I feel is all completely warranted and I should never apologise for that. It is to remind myself that I shouldn’t cling to the good moments in order to justify the terrible ones, and that ultimately I should never lesser myself to make you feel better.

Say Something Loving – Self Love & Self Worth

If someone does not want me, it is not the end of the world.

But if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings – Nayyirah Waheed (Salt)

The issue of self love and the concept of self worth is a difficult topic, the road to self acceptance is not a straight path, it has a number of twists and turns and setbacks, there is no overnight remedy and as cliche as it sounds it is a journey, however it is a journey that requires work and perseverance. Everyone at some point in their life, whether it begins as a teen or an adult or even later in life struggles with loving and accepting themselves, there will always be days of self doubt and in some cases self hatred, in my opinion this is because of what we, as a society, associate with the concept of self worth.

Self worth for the majority of young adults is attributed to what you look like, whether you are seen as pretty, or conventionally attractive. I’ll love myself more when I have a 28 inch waist or i’ll love myself more if I get over 50 likes on my instagram. We are all guilty of it, we all judge a book by its cover, even ourselves when we look in the mirror.

For many of us these thoughts arise as teenagers when comparing yourself to others is an everyday occurrence, and the issue of not being ‘enough’ becomes deep rooted in our thought system, and for many of us this lasts well into our twenties because it’s what we consider normal.  Personally it’s a constant struggle to accept the way I look and I know that it probably always will be, but the way I look shouldn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean I should love and value myself any less.

Your self worth is not defined by what you look like, how much money you have, your social standing, your job, how many friends you have, your weight, your height, how funny you are, how smart you are, your skin colour, where you’re from, where you live etc etc etc.

The way you act, the way you treat yourself and others around you, what you put out into the world is what defines you as a person. Your compassion, empathy, selflessness and honesty is what should define your character. Your worth and value as a human being has nothing to do with the number on the scales or the colour of your hair or whether you think your best friend is better looking than you because ultimately those things are trivial and we should love ourselves regardless because, as a wise drag queen once said ‘honey if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?’

 

 

Stranger in a Room – What Can I Say to Make this Better For You?

Would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you, so tell me where I went wrong? – Halsey

What do you say to someone who has had their heart broken? How can something so simple as words make everything better for someone? The answer is they don’t. What can I possibly say to someone who has had their life turned upside down by someone they loved? No words in the history of the world can instantly fix someone, recently i’ve learnt this the hard way, seeing friends and people I truly care about going through things they never thought they would have to deal with. End games that are no longer end games…relationships ending before they’ve even started, questioning and doubting themselves because of the actions of others. I’m convinced I can fix people, that I can instantly make them better just by listening and saying the right things, but this isn’t how it works and sometimes you can’t mend people.

Break ups change people, they can shape us into a version of ourselves that we’ve never known before, things that were comforting and gave us joy can leave you feeling numb and empty, songs that once meant so much now mean nothing. How do you make this better? You turn to the people you love and trust but how much can they truly help you?

Recently, giving and taking advice has been a huge part of my life, being in situations that i’ve never been in before means turning to others for advice, in return i’ve had my closest group of friends also experience this and it is perhaps one of the hardest things to know you cant help them and make them instantly feel better. But does taking this advice help…because no one has been through the exact same break up, or the exact same experience and this can be more of a hinderance then a help.

I believe that if you want to be helped you have to begin by helping yourself, if your heart is broken it won’t begin to mend until you’re willing to move on. For as long as I can remember i’ve always been one of those people who thinks I can help you, I can fix that for you, I can be the one to make everything better for you, but what if I can’t? I’ve learnt that I can’t help people who don’t want my input, I can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves, words can’t mend someone, it’s like putting a plaster over a crack in the wall and pretending its fine.

I think turning to the people you love in your time of need is perhaps one of the best things, comforting words that ease your worries and make you feel less alone can make everything better, but we have to be willing to work on ourselves, because there is only so much you can do to fix someone.

Weight of Love – It’s not you, it’s me

You’ll be on my mind, don’t give yourself away to the weight of love – The Black Keys

Is there a girl out there who doesn’t hate herself in some way or another? I feel like for the past 8 years i’ve been in a battle of acceptance and self hatred, from my personality to the way I look or act, there is always something that makes me think you need to change or it’s my fault this has happened because of the way I am. Self love and self acceptance is a concept I struggle with, sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy with the way I am, I don’t know why but I just don’t, I also don’t feel as though this is unusual or uncommon as a young woman either. Feeling inadequate is somewhat of a normality for many girls for a number of reasons, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not intelligent enough.    

This thought stems from numbers, the number of my jean size, the number on the scales, the number of people i’ve slept with, the number of people that boy I like has slept with, the number of friends I have, the number in my bank account, I could go on and on. Why should I feel so inadequate because I can’t possibly compete with the 17 other girls he has slept with or because i’ll never fit in a size 12 dress. These are thoughts that make me question the love I have for myself and who I am. Sometimes I think, should I even compare myself to those other girls? How could someone like me possibly even match to those girls? Yet other times I wouldn’t even think twice about it, i’m my own person and in no way comparable to anyone else.

Sometimes I think i’ve come a long long way these past few years, i’ll have days of self acceptance where I think ‘this is who I am and quite frankly it isn’t all bad really is it,’ I think about the fact that since uni started I dropped 3 dress sizes, I have a group of friends I adore and I nearly have a degree. However, eating quinoa and doing exercise dvds and losing weight isn’t gonna make me instantly love myself, just like letting boys walk all over me because I think it will make them like me more doesn’t make me happy. Self love, acceptance and happiness is a mindset, a mindset I think I am still yet to truly understand.