Love Will Tear Us Apart – Find Yourself Again

I shouldn’t have called
‘Cause we shouldn’t speak
You do make me hard
But she makes me weak – Matthew Healy

It has been 485 days since I last wrote on this blog, a lot can happen in 485 days, during this time I have been to 8 gigs, I have bought a new car, I have lost a job and gained a new one, I have lost a significant family member and I have had my heart broken. I read back over these posts and I barely recognise who this woman is, she writes confidently and candidly about her experiences, she stands up for herself and most importantly she is confident and comfortable in who she is.

Somewhere along the way I lost this version of myself, the version that would happily call a guy out for sending unsolicited dick pics or a girl who would stand up for herself when she gets with a guy who conveniently mentions that he’s married after meeting for the third time. Along the course of this year, I have become a girl who has lost her sense of self-worth, I have become a woman who has allowed a man to walk all over because she felt as though she didn’t deserve more. I’ve become a woman who is ashamed of wanting attention, ashamed of wanting somebody to want her back, ashamed of her feelings and ashamed of being who she is.

If someone or something makes you feel this, naturally you would remove it, remove the toxicity from life. Friends will say it so easily, the words falling out of their mouths so effortlessly, ‘just stop talking to him, stop allowing him/her to make you feel this way, block them.’ But when you think you aren’t worth more than this, is it really that simple? I tell myself continually that this is it; this is the change I need to make, but old habits die hard.

I’m writing this blog post to remind myself that I can be better, I can do better and I certainly don’t need to feel ashamed for how I feel, act or choose. Perhaps if I treat myself with the respect I deserve then others will follow. I don’t want to be the old version of myself, but I don’t want to be this current version of myself, I want to learn to value my self-worth and treat myself with the kindness I expect from others. I’m writing this to remind myself of the girl who made light of these situations, who didn’t strive to change herself because a boy called her a brat, who loved herself because she didn’t need anyone else too.

I Wanna Be Adored – Lonely Tonight or Alone Tonight?

But I’ll come back to you, in a year or so
And rebuild, ready to become
The person you believed in, the person that you used to love
For I’m still here hoping that one day you may come back – Charlie Fink (The First Days of Spring) 

I recently had a rather eye opening discussion with a friend about the impact dating sites has had on our generation of dating, how it has shaped and changed the way we engage with people, how we meet or approach people and our new attitudes towards casual and serious relationships. On the surface dating sites are obviously very shallow, often used to combat boredom, being horny, or purely wanting attention, they’re something that aren’t often taken seriously and are now more of a punchline to a joke than a way to seriously meet the love of your life. On a deeper level, for some, they’re a way to alleviate loneliness and provide some sort of gratification if a stranger tells you that you have a cracking set of tits, but how much of this is a problem? How much have we come to rely on this rather than approaching somebody perhaps in a club or at a bar and meeting organically, no matter how many failures it gives us we either move onto the next app or convince ourselves that it’ll happen eventually, why do we do this?

My answer for this came down to loneliness, there is such a pressure to find someone coming from numerous directions and because of this we end up meeting people who might be our type on paper but in reality they have the personality of a wet piece of lettuce. These kinds of apps only allow you to ‘meet’ people based on three things; age, location and whether you think they’re attractive, it leaves very little room for personal interests, common likes and dislikes or whether you’d just get on as people. As a generation we are so greedy and impatient, we need causal sex or relationships now, if it doesn’t work then we need to move on to the next person straight away, for the majority of us we are wired to think that we need someone else in order to be complete or satisfied, in order to not feel lonely. The superficial nature of it all means that some of us have met, dated, slept with, spent time with people who perhaps we didn’t really have a connection with but we’re like well I want someone so I guess i’ll just go for you.

The other side of the coin is that we have this issue of confusing love with lust and sexual attraction, we crave attention, compliments, someone to talk to when we’re bored and then because we believe it’s what we’re supposed to feel we just go for it. We’re so conditioned to think that we have to be on the look out constantly because it won’t just happen like it used to, you’re not gonna meet the man of your dreams in Sainsburys and expect everything to come up peaches but if he sends me a wink emoji on Tinder then i’m all for it.

Maybe i’m bitter, maybe the fact that the majority of people i’ve met and spoken to on these sites have been either massive failures or mugged me off completely and i’m now jaded by the whole concept, but I do believe that our chronic need to avoid being alone or feeling lonely plays a huge part in why these dating apps are so crucial to our everyday way of living. Ironically I had this whole conversation with a man I met on Bumble so perhaps they are good for something.

‘In an age of disposable lovers, where calculated sexual pleasure has supplanted the unpredictability of love, where looking for love is like shopping and we demand from it what we have come to expect from our other purchases – novelty, variety, disposability.’ – Erich Fromm

As Tears Go By – A Letter to my Jealous Self

Can I reset my brain? If not I’ll go insane,
I swear to God that I don’t think I can go another day
Am I the only one? Is this in all of us?  – Turnover

Jealousy is complex, some people feel jealousy much stronger than others, some don’t feel it at all, it can stem from humiliation, abandonment, feeling threatened or simply someone having something you want. Perhaps my worst trait is my jealousy, it can make me say and do things that are out of character and at times I feel it consume me in a way that can only be described as damaging.

In day to day life I consider myself to be a person who doesn’t indulge in competition with others or find myself being particularly competitive, I don’t push myself to do or be better than others in most aspects of my life, yet when it comes to relationships or friendships I can feel the jealousy bleed into my thoughts and although it’s not something I always act on I still know it’s there.

My jealousy comes from being replaced, I fear that someone better, funnier or prettier will come along and just replace me, they’ll take my security and comfort of a person and use them for themselves, it’s a large part of my personality that I simply don’t like, I hate the feeling of competing with another person for someones affection or attention when in reality the only person i’m competing with is myself.

There are times however when I simply cannot help myself, how can I not be jealous when I think about him kissing somebody else the way he kissed me or whether when her hand is on his chest he’ll reach up and interlock his fingers with her like he did with me, a girl who replaced me, a girl who is obviously so much more than me.

It drives me into an awful mindset that takes control of who I am, it makes me sad and bitter and changes how I see myself. However i’ve come to the conclusion that even by recognising my flaws that it’s a step in the right direction, perhaps I can learn to concern myself less with others and focus more on me, learn to take control of the situation and not let my jealousy get the better of me.

Television Romance – Is This Me, Is This You?

I’ve been waiting for the phone to ring all night, why you wanna make me feel so good,
I got a love of my own, I shouldn’t get so hung up on you,
Oh I remember the way that we touch, I wish I didn’t like it so much – Whitney Houston

Every person has different versions of themselves, the majority of us have a filtered copy of ourselves that comes out depending on the social setting, it’s almost like we have multiple versions of ourselves for different occasions and especially for various people, for instance I act very differently around my friends to my family or around a boy a like. But is this just a method of people pleasing? Moulding ourselves to appeal to the person in the situation, whether that be to the boy you’re trying to impress or a group of friends that you’re not quite in with yet. It’s one of those things that many of us don’t even realise we are doing until it is pointed out by your best friend or in hindsight when you’re like why on earth did I pretend to like Slipknot for that boy?

I always notice it in myself when it comes to music, initially I don’t even realise I am doing it but slowly I subconsciously begin to exclusively listen to music that they are interested in even if I already like that type of music anyway. For instance I knew one boy that I liked wasn’t really into particularly mainstream music and this meant that when I told him I loved Cher more than life itself I believed he would think I was the most uncool girl in existence. But how much should I filter myself? Just because he thinks Cher and Whitney Houston is music for middle aged mums doesn’t mean he should like me any less and why should I alter my loves for another person?

My gal pals know me better than anyone and when i’m around someone that i’m trying to impress they immediately pick up on it for instance one of my housemates described me as making less jokes, being a lot more quiet and even being more still when sat on the sofa when a lad who I liked was there, three things that would never be used to describe me. I even held off on talking about drag queens, and anyone who knows me well enough will know that I find it hard to go a couple of sentences without mentioning Rupaul, but then this begs the question of why would I hold back on big parts of my life to fit into what I think is someone else’s preferences?

Don’t get me wrong, i’m very much aware this is a two way street and I know that there is another side of the coin, when a boy who was interested in me came to see me, he chose to avoid telling me that he smoked because he wasn’t sure on how I would take it, this was his version of filtering himself until he was comfortable enough to mention it resulting in us smoking cigars at 2am. I avoid telling him that Trixie Mattel is my biggest inspo and he avoids telling me that he likes a cigarette, when in reality neither of us should have had to have dampen ourselves down in order to appeal to other because if it works it works and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t and no amount of nicotine or drag queen would have changed that.

Yet this isn’t always a negative thing, one of my closest friends and I had a conversation about this the other day and we agreed that you always have those friends who you can have a serious conversation with and you also have friends who you can be silly with but perhaps what makes a best friend is someone that you can be all versions of yourself with and that’s the difference.

Having different or filtered versions of yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, however it depends how altered you are. I shouldn’t have to adjust myself to appeal to someone and the idea of someone changing themselves to appeal to me also makes me uncomfortable, yet if i’m still being me but just my slightly more PG version then that’s still me, but if i’m acting so differently that even my closest friends don’t even know who I am then that’s a problem and maybe in the future I should be clear from the outset that I listen to a lot of Cher and the occasional cig is not an issue.

The Night is an Ocean – An Open Letter to Myself

Just take it out on me
It’s easier than saying what you mean
Test me, see if I break – Romy Madley Croft and Oliver Sim

When I began writing this blog post the theme was honesty, I began writing and through this I realised that I haven’t been honest with myself for a long time and for months i’ve been rationalising things in a way to make them appear better than they are because that way it’s easier for me to deal with them. If I tell myself it isn’t over then I don’t have to deal with it right? If I pretend you aren’t that person then you won’t be, if I pretend we haven’t changed then you’re still you and i’m still me.

Some things hit you slowly, waves will come and take your breath away every now again but they never truly hit you. But at some point, a tsunami will rush over you and you will nearly drown in the realisation that this isn’t working and no matter how much you try and convince yourself it’s what you want and that it will happen, you won’t be able to stop the oncoming wave that things are falling apart.

I’ll tell you that it’s fine, I’ll tell you that I understand, I’ll tell you that you didn’t do anything wrong, but this isn’t honesty. None of this has been fine and if i’m being truthful I don’t understand these circumstances.

Being there for someone should never make you feel like a terrible person, it shouldn’t worry you or make you feel anything less than full, caring for somebody should never make you feel clingy or desperate because everybody needs somebody in their corner, whether they want it or not, and whether they realise it is up to them.

This blog post is to remind myself that i’m not a bad person, my actions, my thoughts and how I feel is all completely warranted and I should never apologise for that. It is to remind myself that I shouldn’t cling to the good moments in order to justify the terrible ones, and that ultimately I should never lesser myself to make you feel better.

Say Something Loving – Self Love & Self Worth

If someone does not want me, it is not the end of the world.

But if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings – Nayyirah Waheed (Salt)

The issue of self love and the concept of self worth is a difficult topic, the road to self acceptance is not a straight path, it has a number of twists and turns and setbacks, there is no overnight remedy and as cliche as it sounds it is a journey, however it is a journey that requires work and perseverance. Everyone at some point in their life, whether it begins as a teen or an adult or even later in life struggles with loving and accepting themselves, there will always be days of self doubt and in some cases self hatred, in my opinion this is because of what we, as a society, associate with the concept of self worth.

Self worth for the majority of young adults is attributed to what you look like, whether you are seen as pretty, or conventionally attractive. I’ll love myself more when I have a 28 inch waist or i’ll love myself more if I get over 50 likes on my instagram. We are all guilty of it, we all judge a book by its cover, even ourselves when we look in the mirror.

For many of us these thoughts arise as teenagers when comparing yourself to others is an everyday occurrence, and the issue of not being ‘enough’ becomes deep rooted in our thought system, and for many of us this lasts well into our twenties because it’s what we consider normal.  Personally it’s a constant struggle to accept the way I look and I know that it probably always will be, but the way I look shouldn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean I should love and value myself any less.

Your self worth is not defined by what you look like, how much money you have, your social standing, your job, how many friends you have, your weight, your height, how funny you are, how smart you are, your skin colour, where you’re from, where you live etc etc etc.

The way you act, the way you treat yourself and others around you, what you put out into the world is what defines you as a person. Your compassion, empathy, selflessness and honesty is what should define your character. Your worth and value as a human being has nothing to do with the number on the scales or the colour of your hair or whether you think your best friend is better looking than you because ultimately those things are trivial and we should love ourselves regardless because, as a wise drag queen once said ‘honey if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?’

 

 

My Mistakes Were Made For You – Girls Are Everything

And it’s a lot to ask her not to sting,
And give her less than everything
Innocence and arrogance entwined – Alex Turner

My friendship group consists of mostly girls, there are 5 of us in our little girl gang and it’s possibly the best friendship group i’ve ever had. I adore these girls, they are all the kindest, smartest and funniest girls you will ever meet, and all 4 of them deserve the world. I’ve been friends with these girls for a number of years and as a group we have been through it all, however seeing these girls upset or hurt by a boy is perhaps one of the hardest things to watch, seeing my intelligent, beautiful friend reduced to tears over a boy who compares to her in no way is so heartbreaking, yet as a little girl group we have always been here to pick up the pieces. The past few months has seen this happen to each of us, a boy in some way or another (relationship wise or not) has reduced us to snivelling, crying messes who just want to listen to Whitney Houston on repeat, why do we let this happen to us?

My first story isn’t about relationships or love or sex, its about the way in which a boy treats a girl platonically. Boys in my opinion, and I think a number of girls will agree, should never raise their voice or threaten a woman, when I first heard that this had happened to not one but TWO members of our little girl group I couldn’t believe it, no girl should wake up to a snapchat telling them to get fucked, no girl should feel awkward in her own house. One of the stories here stems from girl code….if you think your friends boyfriend is acting like a cunt do you tell her? If you think he’s acting a bit dodgy do you speak up or keep your thoughts to yourself?  However, in this case it resulted in a lad shouting and screaming at a girl who believed she was doing what was best for her ‘friend’. How could a lad possibly watch a girl cry because of the way he has spoken to her, how could someone treat my friend this way.

The last few months in our little girl group has been dominated by what we call ‘excuses,’ half of the group have been well and truly mugged off by boys who are convinced they are ‘doing the right thing’, not to be a moany bitch but i’m aware there is no nice way to call it day with a girl who you are in a relationship with or seeing or even just talking to, yet there is a way to do it that involves telling the truth and not making a piss poor excuse. Nothing makes a girl eye roll harder than the classic, ‘it’s just that the timing is wrong’ or the icing on the cake ‘we would be better as friends.’ They may be true, they may be exactly what you are feeling but come on, they are excuses and quite frankly nothing makes a girl think she’s fucked up more than hearing ‘we would be better as friends.’ Hearing your gal pal crying on the phone because a lad has used one of these vintage claims to excuse his dickhead behaviour makes your stomach churn, having to reassure your friend that she is worthy of so much more because she’s lost her confidence to a lad who has fucked her over is one of the hardest things to hear. How could a boy treat her this way?

The past few weeks and months has ensured that our little girl group will always be there, we will always be there to drink coffee and tell you he’s a dickhead, we will always be available to play mario kart and have shit conversations about dick pics, we will always be there to pick you up and remind you just how fab you are.

Stranger in a Room – What Can I Say to Make this Better For You?

Would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you, so tell me where I went wrong? – Halsey

What do you say to someone who has had their heart broken? How can something so simple as words make everything better for someone? The answer is they don’t. What can I possibly say to someone who has had their life turned upside down by someone they loved? No words in the history of the world can instantly fix someone, recently i’ve learnt this the hard way, seeing friends and people I truly care about going through things they never thought they would have to deal with. End games that are no longer end games…relationships ending before they’ve even started, questioning and doubting themselves because of the actions of others. I’m convinced I can fix people, that I can instantly make them better just by listening and saying the right things, but this isn’t how it works and sometimes you can’t mend people.

Break ups change people, they can shape us into a version of ourselves that we’ve never known before, things that were comforting and gave us joy can leave you feeling numb and empty, songs that once meant so much now mean nothing. How do you make this better? You turn to the people you love and trust but how much can they truly help you?

Recently, giving and taking advice has been a huge part of my life, being in situations that i’ve never been in before means turning to others for advice, in return i’ve had my closest group of friends also experience this and it is perhaps one of the hardest things to know you cant help them and make them instantly feel better. But does taking this advice help…because no one has been through the exact same break up, or the exact same experience and this can be more of a hinderance then a help.

I believe that if you want to be helped you have to begin by helping yourself, if your heart is broken it won’t begin to mend until you’re willing to move on. For as long as I can remember i’ve always been one of those people who thinks I can help you, I can fix that for you, I can be the one to make everything better for you, but what if I can’t? I’ve learnt that I can’t help people who don’t want my input, I can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves, words can’t mend someone, it’s like putting a plaster over a crack in the wall and pretending its fine.

I think turning to the people you love in your time of need is perhaps one of the best things, comforting words that ease your worries and make you feel less alone can make everything better, but we have to be willing to work on ourselves, because there is only so much you can do to fix someone.

Weight of Love – It’s not you, it’s me

You’ll be on my mind, don’t give yourself away to the weight of love – The Black Keys

Is there a girl out there who doesn’t hate herself in some way or another? I feel like for the past 8 years i’ve been in a battle of acceptance and self hatred, from my personality to the way I look or act, there is always something that makes me think you need to change or it’s my fault this has happened because of the way I am. Self love and self acceptance is a concept I struggle with, sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy with the way I am, I don’t know why but I just don’t, I also don’t feel as though this is unusual or uncommon as a young woman either. Feeling inadequate is somewhat of a normality for many girls for a number of reasons, not funny enough, not pretty enough, not intelligent enough.    

This thought stems from numbers, the number of my jean size, the number on the scales, the number of people i’ve slept with, the number of people that boy I like has slept with, the number of friends I have, the number in my bank account, I could go on and on. Why should I feel so inadequate because I can’t possibly compete with the 17 other girls he has slept with or because i’ll never fit in a size 12 dress. These are thoughts that make me question the love I have for myself and who I am. Sometimes I think, should I even compare myself to those other girls? How could someone like me possibly even match to those girls? Yet other times I wouldn’t even think twice about it, i’m my own person and in no way comparable to anyone else.

Sometimes I think i’ve come a long long way these past few years, i’ll have days of self acceptance where I think ‘this is who I am and quite frankly it isn’t all bad really is it,’ I think about the fact that since uni started I dropped 3 dress sizes, I have a group of friends I adore and I nearly have a degree. However, eating quinoa and doing exercise dvds and losing weight isn’t gonna make me instantly love myself, just like letting boys walk all over me because I think it will make them like me more doesn’t make me happy. Self love, acceptance and happiness is a mindset, a mindset I think I am still yet to truly understand.