I shouldn’t have called
‘Cause we shouldn’t speak
You do make me hard
But she makes me weak – Matthew Healy
It has been 485 days since I last wrote on this blog, a lot can happen in 485 days, during this time I have been to 8 gigs, I have bought a new car, I have lost a job and gained a new one, I have lost a significant family member and I have had my heart broken. I read back over these posts and I barely recognise who this woman is, she writes confidently and candidly about her experiences, she stands up for herself and most importantly she is confident and comfortable in who she is.
Somewhere along the way I lost this version of myself, the version that would happily call a guy out for sending unsolicited dick pics or a girl who would stand up for herself when she gets with a guy who conveniently mentions that he’s married after meeting for the third time. Along the course of this year, I have become a girl who has lost her sense of self-worth, I have become a woman who has allowed a man to walk all over because she felt as though she didn’t deserve more. I’ve become a woman who is ashamed of wanting attention, ashamed of wanting somebody to want her back, ashamed of her feelings and ashamed of being who she is.
If someone or something makes you feel this, naturally you would remove it, remove the toxicity from life. Friends will say it so easily, the words falling out of their mouths so effortlessly, ‘just stop talking to him, stop allowing him/her to make you feel this way, block them.’ But when you think you aren’t worth more than this, is it really that simple? I tell myself continually that this is it; this is the change I need to make, but old habits die hard.
I’m writing this blog post to remind myself that I can be better, I can do better and I certainly don’t need to feel ashamed for how I feel, act or choose. Perhaps if I treat myself with the respect I deserve then others will follow. I don’t want to be the old version of myself, but I don’t want to be this current version of myself, I want to learn to value my self-worth and treat myself with the kindness I expect from others. I’m writing this to remind myself of the girl who made light of these situations, who didn’t strive to change herself because a boy called her a brat, who loved herself because she didn’t need anyone else too.