Love Will Tear Us Apart – Find Yourself Again

I shouldn’t have called
‘Cause we shouldn’t speak
You do make me hard
But she makes me weak – Matthew Healy

It has been 485 days since I last wrote on this blog, a lot can happen in 485 days, during this time I have been to 8 gigs, I have bought a new car, I have lost a job and gained a new one, I have lost a significant family member and I have had my heart broken. I read back over these posts and I barely recognise who this woman is, she writes confidently and candidly about her experiences, she stands up for herself and most importantly she is confident and comfortable in who she is.

Somewhere along the way I lost this version of myself, the version that would happily call a guy out for sending unsolicited dick pics or a girl who would stand up for herself when she gets with a guy who conveniently mentions that he’s married after meeting for the third time. Along the course of this year, I have become a girl who has lost her sense of self-worth, I have become a woman who has allowed a man to walk all over because she felt as though she didn’t deserve more. I’ve become a woman who is ashamed of wanting attention, ashamed of wanting somebody to want her back, ashamed of her feelings and ashamed of being who she is.

If someone or something makes you feel this, naturally you would remove it, remove the toxicity from life. Friends will say it so easily, the words falling out of their mouths so effortlessly, ‘just stop talking to him, stop allowing him/her to make you feel this way, block them.’ But when you think you aren’t worth more than this, is it really that simple? I tell myself continually that this is it; this is the change I need to make, but old habits die hard.

I’m writing this blog post to remind myself that I can be better, I can do better and I certainly don’t need to feel ashamed for how I feel, act or choose. Perhaps if I treat myself with the respect I deserve then others will follow. I don’t want to be the old version of myself, but I don’t want to be this current version of myself, I want to learn to value my self-worth and treat myself with the kindness I expect from others. I’m writing this to remind myself of the girl who made light of these situations, who didn’t strive to change herself because a boy called her a brat, who loved herself because she didn’t need anyone else too.

I Wanna Be Adored – Lonely Tonight or Alone Tonight?

But I’ll come back to you, in a year or so
And rebuild, ready to become
The person you believed in, the person that you used to love
For I’m still here hoping that one day you may come back – Charlie Fink (The First Days of Spring) 

I recently had a rather eye opening discussion with a friend about the impact dating sites has had on our generation of dating, how it has shaped and changed the way we engage with people, how we meet or approach people and our new attitudes towards casual and serious relationships. On the surface dating sites are obviously very shallow, often used to combat boredom, being horny, or purely wanting attention, they’re something that aren’t often taken seriously and are now more of a punchline to a joke than a way to seriously meet the love of your life. On a deeper level, for some, they’re a way to alleviate loneliness and provide some sort of gratification if a stranger tells you that you have a cracking set of tits, but how much of this is a problem? How much have we come to rely on this rather than approaching somebody perhaps in a club or at a bar and meeting organically, no matter how many failures it gives us we either move onto the next app or convince ourselves that it’ll happen eventually, why do we do this?

My answer for this came down to loneliness, there is such a pressure to find someone coming from numerous directions and because of this we end up meeting people who might be our type on paper but in reality they have the personality of a wet piece of lettuce. These kinds of apps only allow you to ‘meet’ people based on three things; age, location and whether you think they’re attractive, it leaves very little room for personal interests, common likes and dislikes or whether you’d just get on as people. As a generation we are so greedy and impatient, we need causal sex or relationships now, if it doesn’t work then we need to move on to the next person straight away, for the majority of us we are wired to think that we need someone else in order to be complete or satisfied, in order to not feel lonely. The superficial nature of it all means that some of us have met, dated, slept with, spent time with people who perhaps we didn’t really have a connection with but we’re like well I want someone so I guess i’ll just go for you.

The other side of the coin is that we have this issue of confusing love with lust and sexual attraction, we crave attention, compliments, someone to talk to when we’re bored and then because we believe it’s what we’re supposed to feel we just go for it. We’re so conditioned to think that we have to be on the look out constantly because it won’t just happen like it used to, you’re not gonna meet the man of your dreams in Sainsburys and expect everything to come up peaches but if he sends me a wink emoji on Tinder then i’m all for it.

Maybe i’m bitter, maybe the fact that the majority of people i’ve met and spoken to on these sites have been either massive failures or mugged me off completely and i’m now jaded by the whole concept, but I do believe that our chronic need to avoid being alone or feeling lonely plays a huge part in why these dating apps are so crucial to our everyday way of living. Ironically I had this whole conversation with a man I met on Bumble so perhaps they are good for something.

‘In an age of disposable lovers, where calculated sexual pleasure has supplanted the unpredictability of love, where looking for love is like shopping and we demand from it what we have come to expect from our other purchases – novelty, variety, disposability.’ – Erich Fromm

Television Romance – Is This Me, Is This You?

I’ve been waiting for the phone to ring all night, why you wanna make me feel so good,
I got a love of my own, I shouldn’t get so hung up on you,
Oh I remember the way that we touch, I wish I didn’t like it so much – Whitney Houston

Every person has different versions of themselves, the majority of us have a filtered copy of ourselves that comes out depending on the social setting, it’s almost like we have multiple versions of ourselves for different occasions and especially for various people, for instance I act very differently around my friends to my family or around a boy a like. But is this just a method of people pleasing? Moulding ourselves to appeal to the person in the situation, whether that be to the boy you’re trying to impress or a group of friends that you’re not quite in with yet. It’s one of those things that many of us don’t even realise we are doing until it is pointed out by your best friend or in hindsight when you’re like why on earth did I pretend to like Slipknot for that boy?

I always notice it in myself when it comes to music, initially I don’t even realise I am doing it but slowly I subconsciously begin to exclusively listen to music that they are interested in even if I already like that type of music anyway. For instance I knew one boy that I liked wasn’t really into particularly mainstream music and this meant that when I told him I loved Cher more than life itself I believed he would think I was the most uncool girl in existence. But how much should I filter myself? Just because he thinks Cher and Whitney Houston is music for middle aged mums doesn’t mean he should like me any less and why should I alter my loves for another person?

My gal pals know me better than anyone and when i’m around someone that i’m trying to impress they immediately pick up on it for instance one of my housemates described me as making less jokes, being a lot more quiet and even being more still when sat on the sofa when a lad who I liked was there, three things that would never be used to describe me. I even held off on talking about drag queens, and anyone who knows me well enough will know that I find it hard to go a couple of sentences without mentioning Rupaul, but then this begs the question of why would I hold back on big parts of my life to fit into what I think is someone else’s preferences?

Don’t get me wrong, i’m very much aware this is a two way street and I know that there is another side of the coin, when a boy who was interested in me came to see me, he chose to avoid telling me that he smoked because he wasn’t sure on how I would take it, this was his version of filtering himself until he was comfortable enough to mention it resulting in us smoking cigars at 2am. I avoid telling him that Trixie Mattel is my biggest inspo and he avoids telling me that he likes a cigarette, when in reality neither of us should have had to have dampen ourselves down in order to appeal to other because if it works it works and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t and no amount of nicotine or drag queen would have changed that.

Yet this isn’t always a negative thing, one of my closest friends and I had a conversation about this the other day and we agreed that you always have those friends who you can have a serious conversation with and you also have friends who you can be silly with but perhaps what makes a best friend is someone that you can be all versions of yourself with and that’s the difference.

Having different or filtered versions of yourself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, however it depends how altered you are. I shouldn’t have to adjust myself to appeal to someone and the idea of someone changing themselves to appeal to me also makes me uncomfortable, yet if i’m still being me but just my slightly more PG version then that’s still me, but if i’m acting so differently that even my closest friends don’t even know who I am then that’s a problem and maybe in the future I should be clear from the outset that I listen to a lot of Cher and the occasional cig is not an issue.

Untitled (Can’t Find the Words) – ‘Thanks, Goodbye, Don’t Call Me, I’ll Call You’

Can I erase from my mind anything that you said or any time that we spent with each other?
I don’t want to waste away another cell on a memory – Turnover

Recently I read an article that really hit home, it discussed the idea of  ‘ghosting’ and how in our world where social media and our phones are where some of our attachments are formed, the impact that can be made by simply ignoring a text or a snapchat. It sounds unbelievably trivial, the idea that not replying to someone can have an affect on them, I mean how important is a message? But what about if the only form of relationship you have had with someone has been through a phone screen? What if that person who used to send you over 50 messages a day goes to sending you maybe a snapchat every couple of weeks if you’re lucky?

I’ve read so many blog posts and articles about the idea of ghosting, the idea that you can ignore somebody on all forms of social media and messaging in order to ‘get rid of them’. From ghosting there has been two other more relationship based concepts formed including ‘benching’ also known as ‘putting someone on the back burner’ where the objective is to effectively put the person you’re talking too to one side whilst you perhaps either pursue someone else or whilst you decide if that person is for you, or the other concept known as ‘breadcrumbing’ where someone messages you perhaps once every few weeks in order to keep you interested without completely ghosting you. Confusing right?

I find it very very difficult to move on from someone if I have been ghosted by them, because, and I think most people will agree, how do you move on from something if you don’t know where it went wrong. If you go from talking to someone day in day out it’s extremely difficult to cut ties and forget everything. For me personally I get very caught up in what I did wrong, was I too full on? Was I not what you wanted? Not pretty enough for you? Was there someone else?

Breadcrumbing on the other hand is different, when you breadcrumb someone you give them enough to keep them coming back, sounds harsh but it happens, it’s a non-committal way of ensuring someone stays interested in you without having to exude to much effort into the whole thing. From my experience you can feel this beginning to happen, when a few messages a day becomes maybe a snapchat every week or so, and more often than not this eventually leads to being benched.

Benching goes hand in hand with the classic ‘hey how have you been’ conversation, everyone has had that break from someone they never quite got started with that eventually dies out and returns with the most mundane conversation about what you’ve both been up too and how you’ve ‘missed’ talking to each other. I think people unknowingly bench people, putting them on a back burner because they either can’t be bothered with it right now or because people get caught up in their busy lives.

To sum it all up, I think all these concepts are complete and utter crap.

It isn’t ghosting, or benching or breadcrumbing. It’s ignoring somebody and hoping they’ll still be there when you bother with them again. Without trying to sound bitter, I think people who do these types of things are cowardly, when i’ve ‘ghosted’ someone it’s because i’ve been to scared to tell them that I simply don’t want to talk to them anymore and instead just unfollowed and unfriended them because it’s easier for me, however this isn’t fair. If you don’t want to carry something on with someone, if it isn’t for you anymore, if you don’t want to talk to somebody anymore just tell them straight.

 

Don’t Delete the Kisses – You’ll Always be a Tinder Boy to me

I wanna tell the whole world about you
I think that that’s a sign
I’m losing self control and it’s you
It really is, one thousand times – Ellie Rowsell (Wolf Alice)

I deleted Tinder in May 2017 after I reached 1000 matches, out of those 1000 matches I spoke to around 20 of them, when I say talk I mean actually have a conversation past the classic ‘hey how are you?’ which ultimately leads to the conversation grave yard alongside other conversation closers such as ‘wuu2’ or ‘what you wearing’. Amongst these boys, 6 played guitar, 2 were vegan, 7 were at uni, 3 of them were obsessed with their cat and one even had a full time important grown up job. However at the end of the day they all turn in to the same person, the same beggy individual who will message or ring me at 1am saying ‘you awake’ or ‘wish you were here’ or the even more classic and unforgettable ‘i’m so drunk, send me a picture of your tits.’ All these boys start the same way, the hope that they’ll be different, that they won’t be the same as the others, maybe they’ll even end up being the one, but no, each and every one comes to a dramatic and bitter end resulting in sitcom worthy stories that are so ridiculous I lose all faith in the male population, however here are some of my personal favourites.

The first boy who I spoke to from Tinder lasted for a very very long time, from the end of my first year of uni right through to the middle of my third year. Although on and off he eventually became the blueprint for every classic tinder boy. To begin with he had that quintessentially British charm and he was a poster child for middle class Britain, spending his weekends playing cricket and holidaying in the south of France, it was catnip to me and we began talking 24/7.  I should have known he wasn’t worth the trouble when he told me his favourite band was Linkin Park but we carried on talking until the drunken phone calls started, being rung at 2am for him to tell me he was getting with a ‘poor mans version’ of myself is laughable and makes me jealous in no way whatsoever. The real kicker came when he started to get ‘obsessed with the gym’ however in reality he never went to the gym and thought that by telling me he was gymming in order to get hench for me would of course make me so overcome with lust and passion I would fall at his feet. Everyday he would send me snapchats of his supposedly new and improved body when in reality he had clearly googled ‘six pac’ or ‘muscley arms’ and taken a photo of the screen. The turning point came when he told me he could deadlift 300kg, after only ‘committing himself to the gym for around a month’ and for those who aren’t aware that’s the size of a pony or a rather large donkey. Things came to a head after a particularly stressful day leading me to politely tell him that I knew the photos weren’t of him resulting in me being blocked and that chapter closing. Soz hun but I know that isn’t you.

Boy number 2 ended on more of a weird note, the youngest lad I had ever matched, he had perhaps one of the best names I had ever heard, but from the word go he was the most intense 20 year old I had ever spoken too having a slight obsession with hair and once coming all the way to Plymouth because I hadn’t replied to his messages.  He went from 0 to 100 real quick, telling me he had feelings for me after talking for no more than a couple of days, however after a week or 2 he felt the need to get extremely drunk and of course text me declaring his undying love for me. I’m all for grand gestures and sharing your feelings, however a young lad telling you he loves you before you’ve even met is enough to make even me back off. Sorry babe, you were an absolute diamond but I wasn’t the one for you.

Boy number 3 was the closest to home, I didn’t often choose to match boys who were so close to where I lived for the fear of bumping into them when I went to Sainsburys in my slippers with a bare face resembling Sloth from the Goonies. However, boy number three took me by surprise, he was a music teacher who was slightly older but seemingly had his life together. It started how they all start, he told me his favourite band, his favourite album, his favourite film and then of course he dropped the line that always gives me heart eyes and makes me quiver like jelly…he was in a band and he wanted me to watch him play. In hindsight i’ve come to realise that there is being in a band and then there is being in a ‘band’ you know, because by band he meant ‘we sometimes play open mic night at your uni, but we can’t get a gig because we can’t play in time or tune our instruments’ which he failed to mention when he was describing the international fame his ‘band’ were set for. However the pièce de résistance came after 2 months of terrible flanter and mundane chit chat when he sent me a snapchat of a child, thinking perhaps it was his nephew or brother I of course replied ‘awww cute’ but little did I know this small little human was his child. He was a Dad. A Dad who had failed to acknowledge the existence of his own son. Sorry hun, but honesty is key, and your band was shit anyway.

Tinder boys will always be the same, all dick pics and drunk texts, however you learn so much about lads and the way they work from talking to arguably some of the oddest people you will ever encounter. After a 1000 matches you learn that some will never change, however they will always provide hours of amusement and it will forever be the biggest learning curve.

Say Something Loving – Self Love & Self Worth

If someone does not want me, it is not the end of the world.

But if I do not want me, the world is nothing but endings – Nayyirah Waheed (Salt)

The issue of self love and the concept of self worth is a difficult topic, the road to self acceptance is not a straight path, it has a number of twists and turns and setbacks, there is no overnight remedy and as cliche as it sounds it is a journey, however it is a journey that requires work and perseverance. Everyone at some point in their life, whether it begins as a teen or an adult or even later in life struggles with loving and accepting themselves, there will always be days of self doubt and in some cases self hatred, in my opinion this is because of what we, as a society, associate with the concept of self worth.

Self worth for the majority of young adults is attributed to what you look like, whether you are seen as pretty, or conventionally attractive. I’ll love myself more when I have a 28 inch waist or i’ll love myself more if I get over 50 likes on my instagram. We are all guilty of it, we all judge a book by its cover, even ourselves when we look in the mirror.

For many of us these thoughts arise as teenagers when comparing yourself to others is an everyday occurrence, and the issue of not being ‘enough’ becomes deep rooted in our thought system, and for many of us this lasts well into our twenties because it’s what we consider normal.  Personally it’s a constant struggle to accept the way I look and I know that it probably always will be, but the way I look shouldn’t define me as a person and it doesn’t mean I should love and value myself any less.

Your self worth is not defined by what you look like, how much money you have, your social standing, your job, how many friends you have, your weight, your height, how funny you are, how smart you are, your skin colour, where you’re from, where you live etc etc etc.

The way you act, the way you treat yourself and others around you, what you put out into the world is what defines you as a person. Your compassion, empathy, selflessness and honesty is what should define your character. Your worth and value as a human being has nothing to do with the number on the scales or the colour of your hair or whether you think your best friend is better looking than you because ultimately those things are trivial and we should love ourselves regardless because, as a wise drag queen once said ‘honey if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?’

 

 

My Mistakes Were Made For You – Girls Are Everything

And it’s a lot to ask her not to sting,
And give her less than everything
Innocence and arrogance entwined – Alex Turner

My friendship group consists of mostly girls, there are 5 of us in our little girl gang and it’s possibly the best friendship group i’ve ever had. I adore these girls, they are all the kindest, smartest and funniest girls you will ever meet, and all 4 of them deserve the world. I’ve been friends with these girls for a number of years and as a group we have been through it all, however seeing these girls upset or hurt by a boy is perhaps one of the hardest things to watch, seeing my intelligent, beautiful friend reduced to tears over a boy who compares to her in no way is so heartbreaking, yet as a little girl group we have always been here to pick up the pieces. The past few months has seen this happen to each of us, a boy in some way or another (relationship wise or not) has reduced us to snivelling, crying messes who just want to listen to Whitney Houston on repeat, why do we let this happen to us?

My first story isn’t about relationships or love or sex, its about the way in which a boy treats a girl platonically. Boys in my opinion, and I think a number of girls will agree, should never raise their voice or threaten a woman, when I first heard that this had happened to not one but TWO members of our little girl group I couldn’t believe it, no girl should wake up to a snapchat telling them to get fucked, no girl should feel awkward in her own house. One of the stories here stems from girl code….if you think your friends boyfriend is acting like a cunt do you tell her? If you think he’s acting a bit dodgy do you speak up or keep your thoughts to yourself?  However, in this case it resulted in a lad shouting and screaming at a girl who believed she was doing what was best for her ‘friend’. How could a lad possibly watch a girl cry because of the way he has spoken to her, how could someone treat my friend this way.

The last few months in our little girl group has been dominated by what we call ‘excuses,’ half of the group have been well and truly mugged off by boys who are convinced they are ‘doing the right thing’, not to be a moany bitch but i’m aware there is no nice way to call it day with a girl who you are in a relationship with or seeing or even just talking to, yet there is a way to do it that involves telling the truth and not making a piss poor excuse. Nothing makes a girl eye roll harder than the classic, ‘it’s just that the timing is wrong’ or the icing on the cake ‘we would be better as friends.’ They may be true, they may be exactly what you are feeling but come on, they are excuses and quite frankly nothing makes a girl think she’s fucked up more than hearing ‘we would be better as friends.’ Hearing your gal pal crying on the phone because a lad has used one of these vintage claims to excuse his dickhead behaviour makes your stomach churn, having to reassure your friend that she is worthy of so much more because she’s lost her confidence to a lad who has fucked her over is one of the hardest things to hear. How could a boy treat her this way?

The past few weeks and months has ensured that our little girl group will always be there, we will always be there to drink coffee and tell you he’s a dickhead, we will always be available to play mario kart and have shit conversations about dick pics, we will always be there to pick you up and remind you just how fab you are.

Saw You in a Dream – The Right Decision, the Wrong Decision and Everything Inbetween

And when I’m awake I can’t switch off, it isn’t the same but it is enough – Amber Bain (Japanese House)

On average we make 35,000 decisions a day, that’s approximately 25 conscious decisions a minute, from the second we wake up to the second we go to sleep we make conscious decisions to help us get through the day, things as small and petty as ‘should I text that boy first?’ to something major such as ‘should I marry this person?’ After making 35,000 decisions a day you would think that we would be more certain as to what we want and don’t want, yet how do we truly know what we want?

The majority of girls have been in a situation where they are aware they are making the wrong decision concerning a boy or a relationship, the right choice is not always the one most wanted and recently i’ve been feeling this more and more. As awful and cringey as it sounds more often than not these decisions are head vs. heart, your head is telling you ‘wow this guy is a twat he isn’t making you happy at all’ whereas your heart is telling you ‘wow he makes me so happy, I can look past all his faults’, who should you listen you to? Most girls do know when they should give up on a boy but rarely does that ever happen, no matter how many times your best friend tells you that he’s a bellend and you deserve much better, you’re always gonna make you’re own choice regardless.

However, 9 times out of 10 your friends will always give you the better option, the option that you would give if you were on the outside, because at the end of day your friends are always gonna want whats best for you however it is always a lot easier to be told to stop messaging a boy who’s mugged you off than to actually do it, it’s a lot easier to say ‘no I won’t be seeing him again’ when in reality you know you’re gonna text him after a drink or two and ask for him to meet you, but does this make these decisions bad? Not always, sometimes what you think is the wrong decision can surprise you.

If we’re having to make 35,000 decisions a day then its inevitable that some of these decisions are gonna be questionable, all girls doubt themselves and second guess their decisions, especially concerning relationships, it’s a natural occurrence but sometimes in a weird roundabout way we get what we want from it, even if it wasn’t what we wanted in the first place.

I Hope This Comes Back to Haunt You – An Open Letter to those who Broke my Heart

She said ‘How can I relate to somebody who doesn’t speak? I feel like I’m just treading water, is it the same for you?- Matthew Healy

I have been hurt numerous times by boys who I believed cared for me. A sentence almost every girl can say and relate to, a sentence that saddens me and makes me fall out of love with the idea of love. I’ve loved and liked numerous boys throughout my life, some of them knew and some of them didn’t, some of them reciprocated and some of it was unrequited yet it never hurts any less and no matter how many times it happens to you, it never gets easier.

My first letter is to a boy who I believed to be someone I would never get over, my first love. Teenage Kelsey believed that this was it, you found a boy, they liked you and you liked them and the rest was history, this meant you were together forever right? He would always be the boy who would call you in the middle of the night to tell you he’d thought of an album you’d really like, he would always be the boy who would deal with my drunk texts and he would always be the boy who would go out of his way to see me even if it was just for 15 minutes. I’d never had my heartbroken before, I didn’t realise you could fall out of love with someone, but you can. Hindsight is so beautiful and when you look back on what you thought was perfection it becomes so easy to see how blinded you were. Perhaps the weirdest part is the feeling of nothing, looking at someone who meant everything to you and feeling so indifferent, not quite knowing who that person is anymore because they aren’t the person you loved when you were 16.

My second letter is to someone who never knew. Someone who changed so rapidly I couldn’t quite keep up, someone who never knew how badly they hurt me and probably never will, because how can someone hurt you when they don’t realise they are doing it. When you like someone you should always go for it right? What if you don’t want to? Liking and loving someone is a very thin line, if it could ruin everything is it truly worth it? The what if’s, for me, cause me to go into overdrive, constantly reading into every detail because if you want it enough you’ll believe anything. I don’t blame you for not being interested, messy was never your thing, but just know that i’m kind of glad we never worked out. 

My third and final letter is to someone who never quite got me. There was never any love here, it was short but sweet with the most bitter of endings. We needed time, time you weren’t willing to give to me, I wanted to shake you and remind you that I wouldn’t wait for you but I know you would regret it eventually, and I knew I wouldn’t let you give up that easy. Its always funny how quick the milk turns sour. The hardest part for me was my bedsheets, they still smelt of you and no amount of changing them would wash you away, you would always be the one who made it difficult for me to listen to my favourite band and the one who taught me that you can’t help everyone. You weren’t ready and for that I can’t blame you, but just know, you’ll want me again eventually.

Stranger in a Room – What Can I Say to Make this Better For You?

Would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you, so tell me where I went wrong? – Halsey

What do you say to someone who has had their heart broken? How can something so simple as words make everything better for someone? The answer is they don’t. What can I possibly say to someone who has had their life turned upside down by someone they loved? No words in the history of the world can instantly fix someone, recently i’ve learnt this the hard way, seeing friends and people I truly care about going through things they never thought they would have to deal with. End games that are no longer end games…relationships ending before they’ve even started, questioning and doubting themselves because of the actions of others. I’m convinced I can fix people, that I can instantly make them better just by listening and saying the right things, but this isn’t how it works and sometimes you can’t mend people.

Break ups change people, they can shape us into a version of ourselves that we’ve never known before, things that were comforting and gave us joy can leave you feeling numb and empty, songs that once meant so much now mean nothing. How do you make this better? You turn to the people you love and trust but how much can they truly help you?

Recently, giving and taking advice has been a huge part of my life, being in situations that i’ve never been in before means turning to others for advice, in return i’ve had my closest group of friends also experience this and it is perhaps one of the hardest things to know you cant help them and make them instantly feel better. But does taking this advice help…because no one has been through the exact same break up, or the exact same experience and this can be more of a hinderance then a help.

I believe that if you want to be helped you have to begin by helping yourself, if your heart is broken it won’t begin to mend until you’re willing to move on. For as long as I can remember i’ve always been one of those people who thinks I can help you, I can fix that for you, I can be the one to make everything better for you, but what if I can’t? I’ve learnt that I can’t help people who don’t want my input, I can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves, words can’t mend someone, it’s like putting a plaster over a crack in the wall and pretending its fine.

I think turning to the people you love in your time of need is perhaps one of the best things, comforting words that ease your worries and make you feel less alone can make everything better, but we have to be willing to work on ourselves, because there is only so much you can do to fix someone.